Harry Potter Oneshots
by Darth Annihilator
Summary: Just a collection of hopefully humorous oneshots that involve Harry defending himself against the various things he's accused of in the books with his best weapons: reasoning, logic and a vast arsenal of insults. This is just intended to be a bit of fun, so I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it


**Disclaimer: Darth Annihilator does not own the Harry Potter franchise or any of it's characters. They all belong to the wonderful lass known as J. K. Rowling. This was made purely for a bit of fun.**

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 **That's What You'd Say if You Were a Nazi, Isn't It Ma'am?**

We join the Fifth-Year students of Hogwarts in their first Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson of the school year, under their new teacher: Dolores Umbridge, former Senior Undersecretary to the Minister for Magic and (though nobody in Hogwarts or the majority of Magical Britain knew it yet) the upcoming Hogwarts High Inquisitor. Currently the anthropomorphic toad was addressing questions on the course aims for the year, particularly about the lack of magic use in them.

"It is the Ministry's view that sufficient study of the theory will be enough to get you through the practical element of your O.W.L exam" Umbridge said in her high-pitched voice.

"We're not going to use magic?" asked a tall, redheaded male with numerous freckles on his face, voicing the thoughts of most of the class.

"The intention for this class is for you to learn defence in a secure, risk free environment" was the pink clad teacher's answer.

"And what's the point of that? If we're going to be attacked, it won't be risk free" chimed in a short, bespectacled black-haired boy with emerald green eyes and a curiously shaped scar on his forehead.

"Mr. Potter, your hand is not up!" snapped Umbridge before she turned and ignored him as he raised his hand, choosing instead to answer the question of a brown haired, brown eyed female wearing a robe with green trim "Yes Ms…?"

"Greengrass ma'am. As Potter said, an attack will not be risk free and we have a practical portion of our exam, so would it not be in our best interest to practise these spells under the supervision of a qualified individual instead of attempting to use them for the first time in a stressful situation?" Greengrass asked in a cold voice, narrowing her eyes at Umbridge.

"Ms. Greengrass, are you expecting to be attacked in my classroom?" Umbridge retorted, intending the question to be rhetorical but she received an answer from the Slytherin anyway.

"Considering our first professor for this subject died, the second suffered catastrophic memory loss, the third was fired for being a werewolf and last year's was a known Death Eater masquerading as a respected Auror and used Unforgiveable Curses on us, do you really want an honest answer to that question?" Greengrass deadpanned, much to Umbridge's ire.

"Five points from Slytherin for your rudeness, Ms. Greengrass" snarled the toad-like woman "Now, it is clear to me that your previous teachers have been filling your heads with ridiculous ideas about being attacked at any moment, but – as I said earlier – it is the Ministry's belief that if you study the theory sufficiently…"

"And how exactly is theory going to prepare us for what's out there?" interrupted Harry Potter, his eyes glinting dangerously as the toad smirked, thinking the Potter had fallen into her trap.

"There is nothing out there dear, who do you imagine would want to harm children such as yourselves?" she answered, hoping to bait the impulsive Gryffindor into trouble.

"The real question there is 'where to begin?' How about we start with Lord Voldemort?" replied the Gryffindor with a raised eyebrow as the whole class went silent at the use of the feared wizard's name and Umbridge's smirk widened as she thought she had Potter now.

"Now let me make this quite plain, you've been told that a certain Dark Lord has returned from the dead…" Umbridge began before being interrupted by Harry.

"Actually, his official status recorded by the Ministry is 'Missing, Presumed Dead or Severely Injured'" he said, before noticing that his statement had gained him a few odd looks "What? Did you really think that after everything that's happened over the past four years I've spent in the Wizarding World that I wouldn't research potential enemies I may have like Voldemort and his followers?"

"… This is a lie" Umbridge finished, ignoring the black haired Fifth Year and just waiting for the outburst she knew was coming, allowing her to put him in detention and start curbing that rebellious, lying and attention-seeking attitude once and for all. The outburst came, but not in the manner she was expecting.

"Regardless of whether you believe that the moron returned last year, it's a well-documented fact that Voldemort attacked a one-year-old infant after killing said infant's parents. Knowing this, I highly doubt he'd have any issues attacking a bunch of fifteen-year-old students" Harry responded, giving the teacher a deadpan stare before continuing on "But, if you're not willing to consider Voldemort, I have a few other examples for you…"

"That won't be necessary Mr. Potter…" Umbridge attempted to reclaim some semblance of control but was promptly ignored by Harry.

"The most famous of which would probably be Gellert Grindelwald – one of the major players in World War Two and the Holocaust and thus being responsible – however indirectly – for the deaths of several hundreds of thousands of children, and that's not even considering the deaths caused by Blitzkrieg warfare or the World War itself on both the magical and Muggle fronts before his defeat at the hands of Professor Dumbledore in 1945…"

"Mr. Potter…"

"Next would probably be Sirius Black – known for being Voldemort's right hand man and for blowing up a street and killing thirteen people with a single curse, at least five of which were under the age of seventeen according to the Auror report. That's not even mentioning the fact that he was deemed such a serious threat – pun not intentional – to the children of Magical Britain that the Ministry decided it was a good idea to put Dementors around Hogwarts when he escaped Azkaban…"

"That may be so Mr. Potter, but…"

"And then we have Fenrir Greyback, who is known for deliberately attacking children both during the full moon and outside of it, interestingly, he has still yet to be arrested. Need I say more?"

"Potter…"

"Oh, and we can't forget Barty Crouh Jr. who put a fourteen-year-old in a tournament for adults that had a record for killing people which resulted in a death during the third task of said tournament – I'll be getting to that later."

"CEDRIC DIGGORY'S DEATH WAS A TRAGIC ACCIDENT!" bellowed Umbridge, red in the face from anger at Harry ignoring her attempts to stop his little tirade. The subject of her ire simply raised an eyebrow in amusement at her loss of temper.

"And how does our Ministry know that? Was an investigation conducted that revealed that the body that showed obvious signs of being subjected to the Killing Curse died accidentally?" Harry asked sarcastically, making the toad turn from red to a shade of purple that reminded Harry of his charming uncle. Ignoring the danger signs, he pushed on "If so, why was I never interrogated? According to the Ministry, I'm either a liar at best or an unstable lunatic at worst. Both situations seem like perfectly sound reasons for the Department of Magical Law Enforcement to bring me in for questioning about my part in Cedric's death."

"The Department of Magical Law Enforcement has more than enough to do without having to listen to the lies of a nasty little delinquent like yourself, Potter" Umbridge bit out, getting an amused smirk from Harry.

"Like what? Combating the non-existent threats to Magical Britain? Which reminds me, I still have a few names on my list of potential child attackers" Harry retorted, making Umbridge look as if she'd just swallowed a very sour lemon.

"That will not be necessary…" she began before Harry interrupted her again.

"The Death Eaters that attacked the Roberts family at the Quidditch World Cup – As I recall, there were children younger than me that were being attacked by those Death Eaters and that's not even thinking about how many got trampled or burned by their little rampage."

"They were just Muggles and therefore not a major concern, Potter" Umbridge snapped, getting shocked looks from some of the students at her callous disregard for the safety of Muggles.

"Funny, replace the word 'Muggle' with 'Jew' and you have the standard Nazi defence for when they carried out unprovoked attacks on various civilians" Harry replied mockingly as Umbridge looked lie she was about to burst a blood vessel.

"Are you saying I'm a Nazi, Mr. Potter?" Umbridge asked in a dangerously sweet voice "Because I will have you know that I am not a Nazi, I am a proud and respected member of the British government!"

"Ah, but that's what you'd say if you were a Nazi, isn't it ma'am?" Harry responded, unfazed by the danger signs that were being sent his way by a very irate staff member.

Scene Change: McGonagall's Office

"So let me get this straight, Potter" said the Transfiguration teacher of Hogwarts as she read a letter written on pink parchment that the Gryffindor Fifth Year had just handed her "According to this letter, you disrespected Professor Umbridge in from of her entire class…"

"It's difficult to disrespect someone you have no respect for in the first place, ma'am" interjected Harry with an amused look on his face. McGonagall snorted but continued, unfazed by the interruption.

"… It also says that you shouted at her…"

"That's a lie, I kept my voice at a perfect volume for civilised conversation."

"… Disrupted her class…"

"I can't really deny that, but I wouldn't call that period a 'class'."

"… Called her a liar…"

"If using known facts to correct absurdly untrue – and stupid – statements qualifies as calling someone a liar, then yes, I did call her a liar."

"… Set fire to a textbook…"

"That was an accident."

"… And finally, called her a Nazi?" finished McGonagall, raising an eyebrow at the unrepentant Potter.

"That one will require a bit of explanation, but – to make a long story short – I merely compared her attitude to that of a Nazi's" Harry answered, shrugging his shoulders but looking unrepentant. McGonagall took a deep breath and closed her eyes, the situation reminding her far too much of a similar conversation she'd once had with one of Harry's parents after said parent had sent four other students to the hospital wing in matchboxes for ganging up on her friend. She opened her eyes while letting out a sigh and gave the only response that was appropriate for a situation of this magnitude:

"Have a biscuit, Potter."

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 **Well, that's this little oneshot finished. It was designed to be a humorous "What If" scenario based on Harry and Umbridge's argument during Harry's fifth year, only Harry uses a bit more reasoning and logic in the argument, I hope it made you laugh.**

 **If any of the fans of my other stories who are reading this and wondering why I'm writing this and not continuing my other stories: well, this was an idea that just wouldn't leave my head so I decided to write it up, it probably won't become a regular project unless more chapters in this are requested. Updates to current fics will be a bit slower than usual as I'm currently working on a project that I said I'd do for the lovely GothicDiamond (check out their story RAVN if you're a fan of the RWBY franchise and you'll probably be able to guess what the project is), though the actual product won't be released until I get a little further on into my story The Tale of a Red Rose and introduce some new characters into it.**

 **Anyway, please let me know your thoughts on this little oneshot either by a review, PM, follow or favourite; I only ask that reviews and PMs are written in a polite and comprehensible manner.**

 **Until Next Time,**

 **Darth Annihilator - out.**


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